Saturday, September 15, 2012
I Wish You a Forgiving Heart
Is forgiveness a state of mind?
I think back to when Brian died. My first thought was to forgive the others involved. I don't know why but in a way I wonder if it was because there was no room in my heart for hatred or anger because it was way too full of the worst pain, shock and devastation a mom could ever experience.
Now that time has passed there are times I let the anger and bad feelings creep into my thoughts and heart. Thankfully they are short lived and it takes some prayer, reflection and distraction to get rid of it and move on. I don't ever want to be a slave to anger or resentment because I know that once those bonds take hold they make a person bitter and unable to see and think clearly and objectively.
Forgiveness is the only thing that can set you free of those who have hurt you and your heart. I wish each of you a forgiving heart.
Love and hugs, Jane
I'm Back!
It's Been WAY TOO LONG!
I've been going through many changes since I last signed on which was in 2010 I believe. I sort of hit a writer's block and then I forgot my password and since then I've been misusing my facebook as a blog from time to time.
I think I'll start over. I am going to copy some of my blog-like posts from FB and get them on here. I must warn you that some of my thinking has turned political - tis the season - but it's who I am, who I've become. I don't mean to offend but I do mean to make people think. I hope that no matter what I post in the future that you will always think for yourselves and form your own opinions based on what you know to be true and not necessarily on anything I opine on. I also hope you will stay with me as I continue to navigate this thing called life.
Love and hugs to you this wonderful morning.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Share the Faith!
This final retreat lesson was written with a few people in mind. One of my kids was wanting to share his faith with a particular friend but was afraid his friend would think he was a freak. A close friend of mine was wanting to share her faith with her family and this was a new and frightening idea because she wasn't raised in a "regular, church-going" family. Another friend had just gotten a new job with a government agency and he was rediscovering his faith and talked about his concern over whether or not he was allowed to share anything. I find it interesting how desire or the need to share our faith with others can stir up the strongest feelings of dread and fear.
I think we put so much pressure on ourselves when we consider sharing our faith with others. We think we have to have all this "expert Bible knowledge" or something. We are sometimes afraid of the questions our friends and loved ones might ask and we are worried we will look stupid if we don't know the answer or where to find something in the Bible. We are afraid of looking like a "Jesus freak" or coming off like a judgmental religious zealot. It makes me laugh when I look back at my high school days and the way we thought our faith was to be shared. Sometimes we were loving and other times I think we may have put some people off with our righteous attitudes but I have no doubt that we planted seeds of faith in a few people.
The more I think about it the more I realize that all that self-imposed pressure is so unnecessary. I believe we all have moments we share our faith without even thinking about it. The way we live our lives and the decisions we make are sometimes the most obvious way we witness. Our day to day attitudes and how we deal with problems are other ways we witness. A prayer before meals is another way we show our spiritual gratitude. Honestly, when you think about it, some days we are GOOD and powerful witnesses for the Lord and other days, we are probably not the best people in the world to use as examples of Christian living. That's the way "free will" works. I just want you to realize that sharing your faith doesn't have to be difficult so don't make it difficult. Sharing your faith doesn't have to take hours. You can share your faith in brief moments. Be kind, be loving, give a hug now and then and open up conversations so that others can feel free to ask you questions. God will give you the words to say when you need to say them if you keep an open heart for His advice.
SHARE THE FAITH, SISTER!
Who was the FIRST person to discuss his/her faith with you? Do you even remember? Think about when you first heard about our Lord, Jesus Christ; not when you were SAVED but when the seed of faith was PLANTED.
If you were raised in a Christian household, it may have been your family who brought it up to you. It may be difficult to recall ever not being a Christian. You may have been brought up in a family that attended church but faith discussions didn't happen very often. Either way, the sharing of faith within the family took place at some point in time. How much effort do you think went into that type of sharing? How much effort do you put into that type of sharing within your own family or circle of friends now? Do you even think about it? Do you even worry about how it's done?
If you weren't introduced to the Christian faith at home but heard about it from friends, co-workers or acquaintances, do you recall how it was brought up? Chances are the VERY FIRST TIME you heard about Christianity, you weren't saved at that very moment. Were you offended by the person who brought it up? Did it make you dislike that person or group? What type of effort do you think went into that moment of sharing his/her/their faith? Do you think that witness took a great risk in sharing with you? Did you already know that witness was a Christian? What do you think people think of you? Do you think others would guess you were a Christian if they didn't already know it? Just a thought.
Too often we make ourselves feel uncomfortable about sharing our faith. Perhaps it's because we are afraid of offending someone. It could be that you don't consider yourself to be "expert" enough to tell someone what you believe and why you believe it. Maybe we hesitate to share because we think the "timing just isn't right, yet." Answer the following questions:
Have you ever told anyone when you were going on a retreat? Have you ever mentioned to anyone that you go to church? Have you ever asked anyone what church he/she attends? Have you told anyone who doesn't attend your church about anything happening at your church or Sunday School class? Have you ever told anyone a funny story about someone in your church? Have you ever invited anyone to your church or to a church sponsored event? Have you ever prayed over your meal with others you aren't sure are Christian?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, guess what? You've opened the door to sharing your faith. Talking about being a Christian doesn't require drama. Sharing your faith doesn't require that you give a speech, confess your sins or share your personal testimony. You don't have to be able to quote the Bible or pull random verses out of the Bible like a pastor can do. All it takes is the ability to have a conversation. Most women share their opinions with other women. We talk about clothes, movies, sale prices on groceries and whether or not we like a certain restaurant. Guess what! You can share your opinion about your church and the events that happen there, too. Maybe someone made a great dish at the last gathering and you'd love to have the recipe. Tell someone! Believe it or not, that is a great way to open the door to many conversations that lead to the sharing of your faith.
Think about the conversations you've had over the past week. How often have you had the opportunity to talk about your faith? Whether you took the opportunity or not, consider arming yourself with the ability to talk about our Lord, Jesus Christ, at least once every day. Share with your family first. Once you are used to bringing up Jesus every day with them, you'll be amazed at how natural it will be to bring up Jesus with others outside your family. You wouldn't be here this weekend if others hadn't shared their faith with you. (remember this was written for a weekend retreat)
Take a few minutes now to think of ways to open a conversation that would allow you to feel comfortable about bringing up your church, your faith, your experience this weekend and prayer concerns. Please consider that there is someone out there that only YOU can reach. May you be a blessing upon someone in need of God's word!
Please pray for wisdom, strength and for the ability to share God's word knowing "...that the word of the Lord may spread rapidly and be glorified, just as it did also with you." - Thessalonians 3:1.
I think we put so much pressure on ourselves when we consider sharing our faith with others. We think we have to have all this "expert Bible knowledge" or something. We are sometimes afraid of the questions our friends and loved ones might ask and we are worried we will look stupid if we don't know the answer or where to find something in the Bible. We are afraid of looking like a "Jesus freak" or coming off like a judgmental religious zealot. It makes me laugh when I look back at my high school days and the way we thought our faith was to be shared. Sometimes we were loving and other times I think we may have put some people off with our righteous attitudes but I have no doubt that we planted seeds of faith in a few people.
The more I think about it the more I realize that all that self-imposed pressure is so unnecessary. I believe we all have moments we share our faith without even thinking about it. The way we live our lives and the decisions we make are sometimes the most obvious way we witness. Our day to day attitudes and how we deal with problems are other ways we witness. A prayer before meals is another way we show our spiritual gratitude. Honestly, when you think about it, some days we are GOOD and powerful witnesses for the Lord and other days, we are probably not the best people in the world to use as examples of Christian living. That's the way "free will" works. I just want you to realize that sharing your faith doesn't have to be difficult so don't make it difficult. Sharing your faith doesn't have to take hours. You can share your faith in brief moments. Be kind, be loving, give a hug now and then and open up conversations so that others can feel free to ask you questions. God will give you the words to say when you need to say them if you keep an open heart for His advice.
SHARE THE FAITH, SISTER!
Who was the FIRST person to discuss his/her faith with you? Do you even remember? Think about when you first heard about our Lord, Jesus Christ; not when you were SAVED but when the seed of faith was PLANTED.
If you were raised in a Christian household, it may have been your family who brought it up to you. It may be difficult to recall ever not being a Christian. You may have been brought up in a family that attended church but faith discussions didn't happen very often. Either way, the sharing of faith within the family took place at some point in time. How much effort do you think went into that type of sharing? How much effort do you put into that type of sharing within your own family or circle of friends now? Do you even think about it? Do you even worry about how it's done?
If you weren't introduced to the Christian faith at home but heard about it from friends, co-workers or acquaintances, do you recall how it was brought up? Chances are the VERY FIRST TIME you heard about Christianity, you weren't saved at that very moment. Were you offended by the person who brought it up? Did it make you dislike that person or group? What type of effort do you think went into that moment of sharing his/her/their faith? Do you think that witness took a great risk in sharing with you? Did you already know that witness was a Christian? What do you think people think of you? Do you think others would guess you were a Christian if they didn't already know it? Just a thought.
Too often we make ourselves feel uncomfortable about sharing our faith. Perhaps it's because we are afraid of offending someone. It could be that you don't consider yourself to be "expert" enough to tell someone what you believe and why you believe it. Maybe we hesitate to share because we think the "timing just isn't right, yet." Answer the following questions:
Have you ever told anyone when you were going on a retreat? Have you ever mentioned to anyone that you go to church? Have you ever asked anyone what church he/she attends? Have you told anyone who doesn't attend your church about anything happening at your church or Sunday School class? Have you ever told anyone a funny story about someone in your church? Have you ever invited anyone to your church or to a church sponsored event? Have you ever prayed over your meal with others you aren't sure are Christian?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, guess what? You've opened the door to sharing your faith. Talking about being a Christian doesn't require drama. Sharing your faith doesn't require that you give a speech, confess your sins or share your personal testimony. You don't have to be able to quote the Bible or pull random verses out of the Bible like a pastor can do. All it takes is the ability to have a conversation. Most women share their opinions with other women. We talk about clothes, movies, sale prices on groceries and whether or not we like a certain restaurant. Guess what! You can share your opinion about your church and the events that happen there, too. Maybe someone made a great dish at the last gathering and you'd love to have the recipe. Tell someone! Believe it or not, that is a great way to open the door to many conversations that lead to the sharing of your faith.
Think about the conversations you've had over the past week. How often have you had the opportunity to talk about your faith? Whether you took the opportunity or not, consider arming yourself with the ability to talk about our Lord, Jesus Christ, at least once every day. Share with your family first. Once you are used to bringing up Jesus every day with them, you'll be amazed at how natural it will be to bring up Jesus with others outside your family. You wouldn't be here this weekend if others hadn't shared their faith with you. (remember this was written for a weekend retreat)
Take a few minutes now to think of ways to open a conversation that would allow you to feel comfortable about bringing up your church, your faith, your experience this weekend and prayer concerns. Please consider that there is someone out there that only YOU can reach. May you be a blessing upon someone in need of God's word!
Please pray for wisdom, strength and for the ability to share God's word knowing "...that the word of the Lord may spread rapidly and be glorified, just as it did also with you." - Thessalonians 3:1.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Retreat Lesson 6 - Pick Your Battles Wisely
This lesson was written after I had eaten lunch with several of my friends. We had a challenging day as volunteers and it was time to air out our frustrations. I was surprised that the frustrations aired were more about what our kids, spouses and pets were or weren't doing. It struck me as funny the way we discussed the differences between boys and girls and compared the best ways to approach situations with our loved ones. There was one prevailing theme throughout our visit and that was how our moods affected the way dealt with situations. It occurred to me that we all thought we had the answers and we all knew we were RIGHT in whatever disagreement we had with our spouses. Not once did we ever complain about the way WE behaved or reacted to our loved ones. I'm here to tell you that a few of us probably needed to look into the mirror at OURSELVES.
PICK YOUR BATTLES WISELY
It's believed that women are hard to figure out. We are considered a moody bunch and our moods have been known to strike fear in the hearts of even the strongest of men. Guess what! Men can be moody too. Moods are part of the human psyche and they can have a major impact on how we think, behave, interact and react to others.
Think about the past year. You probably experienced ups and downs, challenges and achievements, good times and bad times, events you'd like to remember and some you'd like to forget. All the things you go through make you who you are. Good or bad, like it or not, you are the product of life events that you AND God created.
You are a unique individual and God made you that way on purpose. You have unique looks, tastes, likes and dislikes, habits, personality traits and God given gifts and talents. You may have problems, faults and miserable experiences but so do other people. If you are totally honest with yourself those problems, faults and miserable experiences are often due to your own choices, judgment, mistakes and mishaps. It's easy to want to blame God for every wrong doing and evil in the world; however, if you recall, our Heavenly Father gave mankind FREE WILL. Bad things happen because God allows man to make mistakes. The evil and sinful nature of man comes about from those who choose NOT to walk in the path of the Lord.
When we CHOOSE to be hateful, hurtful, deceitful, immoral, mean-spirited, dishonest or anything else God wouldn't condone we often get caught or hurt others and have to pay the price. "The righteousness of the perfect shall direct his way, but the wicked shall fall by his own wickedness." - Proberbs 11:5. Sometimes it's the innocent who pay the price for evil but there are often lessons to be learned and incredible growth that can occur when that happens. Can YOU do anything to conquer evil, anger and temptations of this world? The answer is YES! You can pray for strength, endurance, wisdom, vision and the will to conquer. You can seek the advice of those who seem to be stronger than you. Once you hear from God or your counsel ACT on what you know to be the right thing to do. When you are doing the right thing you know it.
We all know people who, at times, appear to be living outside of God's will. How do you approach them? First and foremost PRAY for them then pray for wisdom in handling the person or situation!! This is where attitude, humor and the gift of discernment come into play. You must evaluate all situations and determine whether or not a particular event or person is worth the fight. Then figure out what you are truly concerned about. Hone in on the issue and avoid personal attacks. Remember that YOU cannot change someone on the inside but GOD can. If you try to change the nature of another person or loved one, give that up now. However, if you are trying to change behavior patterns, bad habits or the place that your love relationship is in, you can do that with patience, sensitivity, love, understanding of God's word and your own personal change.
If you want something to change the best place to start that process is within you. That's not an easy thing to accept or do. You need to consider that if you expect others to change their ways and you aren't open to change yourself then this will come across to your loved ones. Your loved ones look to you as the example and will believe what is good for you is good for them. If you can't or won't change, neither will anyone else.
Look at the things that upset you. Determine whether or not those things are truly evil or just things that get on your nerves. Remember that ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING! If things are happening that are simply annoying then it may be that you need to change your attitude or find a sense of humor to deal with it. When you show a change in attitude or show a new sense of humor it will be noticed eventually. When you show you are trying to make an effort to make things better then the other person may be more willing to make things better too. This is not an easy process and it doesn't always work to get what you want. Be sure that what you want is not only good for you but good the other person or people involved as well.
Are you a complainer? Do you have a tendency to focus on the negative? Do you wake up some days just looking for a fight? Are those around you always complaining, bickering or looking for fights? If this is the pattern of communicating, thinking and behavior you notice around you then it's time to make some changes. Look at yourself and consider how easy are you to live with. How easy are you to listen to? If you are quick to find fault with your loved ones and quick to point out faults in others then chances are others around you are likely to be the same way and chances are they turning the tables back on you. When you stop complaining and pointing out the faults in others around you it will be noticed. I challenge you to take it one step farther and start noticing the good things in others and start complimenting others when you see the good in them. You will find that it really has an incredibly positive effect on people. It will also have a positive effect on you because you will have a lot less to be sour and angry about.
"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." - Ephesians 4:31-32.
Please take time now to reflect on how YOU would live with YOU. What changes do you need to make in your life to be an example for others and to bring about change? Pray now for those things heavy on your heart that need to change.
PICK YOUR BATTLES WISELY
It's believed that women are hard to figure out. We are considered a moody bunch and our moods have been known to strike fear in the hearts of even the strongest of men. Guess what! Men can be moody too. Moods are part of the human psyche and they can have a major impact on how we think, behave, interact and react to others.
Think about the past year. You probably experienced ups and downs, challenges and achievements, good times and bad times, events you'd like to remember and some you'd like to forget. All the things you go through make you who you are. Good or bad, like it or not, you are the product of life events that you AND God created.
You are a unique individual and God made you that way on purpose. You have unique looks, tastes, likes and dislikes, habits, personality traits and God given gifts and talents. You may have problems, faults and miserable experiences but so do other people. If you are totally honest with yourself those problems, faults and miserable experiences are often due to your own choices, judgment, mistakes and mishaps. It's easy to want to blame God for every wrong doing and evil in the world; however, if you recall, our Heavenly Father gave mankind FREE WILL. Bad things happen because God allows man to make mistakes. The evil and sinful nature of man comes about from those who choose NOT to walk in the path of the Lord.
When we CHOOSE to be hateful, hurtful, deceitful, immoral, mean-spirited, dishonest or anything else God wouldn't condone we often get caught or hurt others and have to pay the price. "The righteousness of the perfect shall direct his way, but the wicked shall fall by his own wickedness." - Proberbs 11:5. Sometimes it's the innocent who pay the price for evil but there are often lessons to be learned and incredible growth that can occur when that happens. Can YOU do anything to conquer evil, anger and temptations of this world? The answer is YES! You can pray for strength, endurance, wisdom, vision and the will to conquer. You can seek the advice of those who seem to be stronger than you. Once you hear from God or your counsel ACT on what you know to be the right thing to do. When you are doing the right thing you know it.
We all know people who, at times, appear to be living outside of God's will. How do you approach them? First and foremost PRAY for them then pray for wisdom in handling the person or situation!! This is where attitude, humor and the gift of discernment come into play. You must evaluate all situations and determine whether or not a particular event or person is worth the fight. Then figure out what you are truly concerned about. Hone in on the issue and avoid personal attacks. Remember that YOU cannot change someone on the inside but GOD can. If you try to change the nature of another person or loved one, give that up now. However, if you are trying to change behavior patterns, bad habits or the place that your love relationship is in, you can do that with patience, sensitivity, love, understanding of God's word and your own personal change.
If you want something to change the best place to start that process is within you. That's not an easy thing to accept or do. You need to consider that if you expect others to change their ways and you aren't open to change yourself then this will come across to your loved ones. Your loved ones look to you as the example and will believe what is good for you is good for them. If you can't or won't change, neither will anyone else.
Look at the things that upset you. Determine whether or not those things are truly evil or just things that get on your nerves. Remember that ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING! If things are happening that are simply annoying then it may be that you need to change your attitude or find a sense of humor to deal with it. When you show a change in attitude or show a new sense of humor it will be noticed eventually. When you show you are trying to make an effort to make things better then the other person may be more willing to make things better too. This is not an easy process and it doesn't always work to get what you want. Be sure that what you want is not only good for you but good the other person or people involved as well.
Are you a complainer? Do you have a tendency to focus on the negative? Do you wake up some days just looking for a fight? Are those around you always complaining, bickering or looking for fights? If this is the pattern of communicating, thinking and behavior you notice around you then it's time to make some changes. Look at yourself and consider how easy are you to live with. How easy are you to listen to? If you are quick to find fault with your loved ones and quick to point out faults in others then chances are others around you are likely to be the same way and chances are they turning the tables back on you. When you stop complaining and pointing out the faults in others around you it will be noticed. I challenge you to take it one step farther and start noticing the good things in others and start complimenting others when you see the good in them. You will find that it really has an incredibly positive effect on people. It will also have a positive effect on you because you will have a lot less to be sour and angry about.
"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." - Ephesians 4:31-32.
Please take time now to reflect on how YOU would live with YOU. What changes do you need to make in your life to be an example for others and to bring about change? Pray now for those things heavy on your heart that need to change.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Friendships & What Happened to Brian
There are all kinds of people in this world and why we end up choosing certain ones to be our friends is a mystery. What draws us together as friends, love interests, partners of all kinds is something I wish I knew more about. This week has been a fun one for me. I've been running into people from my past and I've so enjoyed catching up with so many of them. Of course everyone of them have heard about Brian and when they ask, "How are you?" they really mean it. I reassure people that I and my family are doing well, not perfect, but we are healing and doing well.
I must digress here. A question I'd like to ask God one day is, "Why do we run into more people we've not seen in a while when we look our worst?" It never fails that I see more people when I'm sloppily dressed and have no makeup on and am often in a hurry or stopping somewhere just to get one little thing from the store. Twice I've even tried hiding behind center aisle displays and wall units to avoid letting someone see me and somehow I ended up right next to them when I checked out. Am I the only one this happens to? I really doubt it. But I must confess to feeling really BAD when I've done this because I always end up having the best conversation with the person from whom I hid. It's like we never missed a day of seeing each other. I chalk this up to God's sense of humor and the lesson that I should get rid of any pride. I also know in my heart that I could avoid this situation if I would just get my makeup on every morning. I guess I like living on the edge!
I got to thinking about friendships and why they last. I know it has something to do with what we have in common. We enjoy each other's company. We like what we do when we spend time together. I notice that the friends Don and I have are as varied as you can get. Some are quiet, some are loud, some are funny and some always seem to have incredible stories to tell. We enjoy them all and thank God for allowing them to be in our lives.
Brian had some really great friends. There weren't any that I didn't like. There were some that I worried about and some of them still need to be worried about and prayed for. His friends really are fun, good humored and good hearted kids. They aren't the kind of kids who are destructive and into all kinds of meanness just for the sake of being mean. They are reckless at times but never mean-spirited. The issue I had with Brian and his friends was the partying. By that I mean it was the drinking and smoking pot from time to time. Brian got in trouble his senior year of high school. That's a story for another time but, thereafter, I watched him like a hawk. He only got mad at me one time and that was when I made him let me go to a prom after-party, which is also a story for another time.
You hear the phrase, live by the sword, die by the sword. Well Brian lived for a party and died by one too. Brian experimented with a drug he'd never taken before. He and a friend bought the drug from a fraternity brother. He and his friend went to Brian's suite and took the drug. His friend went to a fraternity function to start off homecoming week. I was told that Brian's friend spent about two and a half hours throwing up. I believe getting sick saved his friend's life. Brian stayed home. He was feeling good. He got on Facebook and his last post shared that "life is good today." He had a visitor later that night who was with him till around 2:30 in the morning. He was still alive when his friend left. We believe Brian died around 10:00 a.m. later in the day. He was discovered around 1:20 p.m. in the afternoon by his suite mate. We shared this information about Brian at his funeral. That's for another story as well.
Because of what happened with Brian we are carefully re-evaluating the friends of our sons. We are gun-shy now about so much more. We are more cautious than we have ever been. I've always been pretty direct and open with questions and topics I discuss with all the friends of my sons but now I find myself doing mental assessments of potential dangers when I meet new kids who come to the house. Derek is the one who gets the brunt of this. He's the one still in high school. He's the one who must check in and out and let me know his whereabouts. Thank goodness Derek is kind about my need to protect. The interesting thing is, Brian was really good about this. He would call to let me know what he was doing, who he was with and would alert me to changes in his evening plans. He would even let me know he was coming in late. I usually didn't like him coming home late but I would appreciate his consideration so we wouldn't worry.
It's been difficult for me to understand why anyone in my family would experiment with any drug. Don and I have talked to our kids about the dangers of drugs since they were big enough to walk. We've shared stories of our experiences of taking care of patients who died or had bad experiences with drugs. We've been open and honest and communicative with our kids. We have always been involved in our sons' lives. We've been very active at school, coached, became scout leaders. Sunday School teachers, volunteers in the community and booster club supporters. We ate at the dinner table much more often than many of our sons' friends did. Statistically speaking this should not have happened to one of our kids. I can honestly say that I don't know what else we could have done to keep our son away from pot or anything else.
Brian's death was an accident. We know that now. It was a bad decision. Brian and his friend played Russian Roulette and Brian lost. We are more than thankful that his best friend didn't pass away. He's a good man with a good future. We don't blame him for what's happened. We do think about Brian and his friends and have wondered why it had to be Brian who died. He's got friends who do much more and take many more risks than Brian ever dreamed about and yet they are still among the living. Do we resent this? Absolutely NOT! But it wouldn't be honest if I didn't tell you that the question has entered our minds more than once. Our hope is that Brian's friends learn from his mistake and stop taking big risks with their lives. Some have but many have not. We get messages of concern about his friends. I'm glad people are still trying to help others learn from our tragedy.
Where did we go from the day our lives changed forever? We just moved forward. We started out in shock and went on auto-pilot in survival mode. We turned to God, our faith, our family and friends. I don't know how anyone gets through the loss of a child without faith. I feel sorry for those who give up their faith when they lose a child. I pray that you, dear readers, never have to go through what we've been through. However, IF you have any kind of loss I hope our experience will help you in some way. I know I keep mentioning how thankful I am for the people God puts in our lives but friends and family are such blessings. Like it or not YOU are a blessing to someone and someone cares about whether or not you are around. If you are a risk taker, please consider what it does to those around you. Consider what your family and friends would go through if they no longer had you. Know that you are loved. I love you, dear readers, whether or not we've met. My writing this story is one of the ways I can show you just how much you matter. Take care and God bless you today.
I must digress here. A question I'd like to ask God one day is, "Why do we run into more people we've not seen in a while when we look our worst?" It never fails that I see more people when I'm sloppily dressed and have no makeup on and am often in a hurry or stopping somewhere just to get one little thing from the store. Twice I've even tried hiding behind center aisle displays and wall units to avoid letting someone see me and somehow I ended up right next to them when I checked out. Am I the only one this happens to? I really doubt it. But I must confess to feeling really BAD when I've done this because I always end up having the best conversation with the person from whom I hid. It's like we never missed a day of seeing each other. I chalk this up to God's sense of humor and the lesson that I should get rid of any pride. I also know in my heart that I could avoid this situation if I would just get my makeup on every morning. I guess I like living on the edge!
I got to thinking about friendships and why they last. I know it has something to do with what we have in common. We enjoy each other's company. We like what we do when we spend time together. I notice that the friends Don and I have are as varied as you can get. Some are quiet, some are loud, some are funny and some always seem to have incredible stories to tell. We enjoy them all and thank God for allowing them to be in our lives.
Brian had some really great friends. There weren't any that I didn't like. There were some that I worried about and some of them still need to be worried about and prayed for. His friends really are fun, good humored and good hearted kids. They aren't the kind of kids who are destructive and into all kinds of meanness just for the sake of being mean. They are reckless at times but never mean-spirited. The issue I had with Brian and his friends was the partying. By that I mean it was the drinking and smoking pot from time to time. Brian got in trouble his senior year of high school. That's a story for another time but, thereafter, I watched him like a hawk. He only got mad at me one time and that was when I made him let me go to a prom after-party, which is also a story for another time.
You hear the phrase, live by the sword, die by the sword. Well Brian lived for a party and died by one too. Brian experimented with a drug he'd never taken before. He and a friend bought the drug from a fraternity brother. He and his friend went to Brian's suite and took the drug. His friend went to a fraternity function to start off homecoming week. I was told that Brian's friend spent about two and a half hours throwing up. I believe getting sick saved his friend's life. Brian stayed home. He was feeling good. He got on Facebook and his last post shared that "life is good today." He had a visitor later that night who was with him till around 2:30 in the morning. He was still alive when his friend left. We believe Brian died around 10:00 a.m. later in the day. He was discovered around 1:20 p.m. in the afternoon by his suite mate. We shared this information about Brian at his funeral. That's for another story as well.
Because of what happened with Brian we are carefully re-evaluating the friends of our sons. We are gun-shy now about so much more. We are more cautious than we have ever been. I've always been pretty direct and open with questions and topics I discuss with all the friends of my sons but now I find myself doing mental assessments of potential dangers when I meet new kids who come to the house. Derek is the one who gets the brunt of this. He's the one still in high school. He's the one who must check in and out and let me know his whereabouts. Thank goodness Derek is kind about my need to protect. The interesting thing is, Brian was really good about this. He would call to let me know what he was doing, who he was with and would alert me to changes in his evening plans. He would even let me know he was coming in late. I usually didn't like him coming home late but I would appreciate his consideration so we wouldn't worry.
It's been difficult for me to understand why anyone in my family would experiment with any drug. Don and I have talked to our kids about the dangers of drugs since they were big enough to walk. We've shared stories of our experiences of taking care of patients who died or had bad experiences with drugs. We've been open and honest and communicative with our kids. We have always been involved in our sons' lives. We've been very active at school, coached, became scout leaders. Sunday School teachers, volunteers in the community and booster club supporters. We ate at the dinner table much more often than many of our sons' friends did. Statistically speaking this should not have happened to one of our kids. I can honestly say that I don't know what else we could have done to keep our son away from pot or anything else.
Brian's death was an accident. We know that now. It was a bad decision. Brian and his friend played Russian Roulette and Brian lost. We are more than thankful that his best friend didn't pass away. He's a good man with a good future. We don't blame him for what's happened. We do think about Brian and his friends and have wondered why it had to be Brian who died. He's got friends who do much more and take many more risks than Brian ever dreamed about and yet they are still among the living. Do we resent this? Absolutely NOT! But it wouldn't be honest if I didn't tell you that the question has entered our minds more than once. Our hope is that Brian's friends learn from his mistake and stop taking big risks with their lives. Some have but many have not. We get messages of concern about his friends. I'm glad people are still trying to help others learn from our tragedy.
Where did we go from the day our lives changed forever? We just moved forward. We started out in shock and went on auto-pilot in survival mode. We turned to God, our faith, our family and friends. I don't know how anyone gets through the loss of a child without faith. I feel sorry for those who give up their faith when they lose a child. I pray that you, dear readers, never have to go through what we've been through. However, IF you have any kind of loss I hope our experience will help you in some way. I know I keep mentioning how thankful I am for the people God puts in our lives but friends and family are such blessings. Like it or not YOU are a blessing to someone and someone cares about whether or not you are around. If you are a risk taker, please consider what it does to those around you. Consider what your family and friends would go through if they no longer had you. Know that you are loved. I love you, dear readers, whether or not we've met. My writing this story is one of the ways I can show you just how much you matter. Take care and God bless you today.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Sympathy Cards
There are a lot of things we haven't done since Brian died that we really need to do. We haven't finished writing thank you cards. We haven't cleaned up his room. We haven't cleaned out his closet. We haven't sold his truck. We still have his dorm fridge in the garage. Brian lived in a suite at college and he had kitchen ware. His dishes and flatware are still neatly packed in a box. I just can't part with those things yet. I know when the time is right, we'll let things go. The time isn't right yet.
This is a little embarrassing but I have to confess that we didn't read all the sympathy cards when we received them. I know that surprises some people and I hope that doesn't anger or hurt anyone. We tried to read a few when they first started arriving but we were in such pain and shock that we couldn't. So when we received a card we'd file them unopened in a box. They were alphabetized by last name of the sender (a personal compulsion) and for months Don and I would look at the box and avoid peaking inside. For weeks Don and I would say to each other that we were going sit down and read all those sympathy cards but we didn't. For whatever reason, we just couldn't.
We thought we were ready in January. We moved the box to the kitchen and sat it on floor next to my chair. We thought we'd read them over lunch. I'd look at the box frequently as I made soup. I knew the box wouldn't move but I just couldn't keep from watching it. I thought about what was in that precious box but the closer I got to getting lunch prepared the more I dreaded having to sit and eat it. I told Don I just couldn't open that box. He was thinking the same thing. We moved the box back to the living room and then ate lunch. The time wasn't right yet.
February rolled around and we both discussed the fact that we really needed to get to the sympathy cards. It felt safer now that we'd gotten our joy back. I knew that no matter how those cards would make us feel that we could still find a way to smile and laugh when it was over. In the first week of February we decided it was the right time to read the cards. We didn't want to do it over a meal. We thought it would be better to face those cards directly without any distractions. I got the box and carefully placed the box in the center of the kitchen table. We stared at it for a few minutes. Don was the brave one. He was the first to reach in the box. He pulled out one card, stared at it for only a second, took a deep breath, opened the envelope and the task at hand was officially underway.
I'd never thought about how we would really do this. I thought about sitting side by side and reading them together. He's a faster reader than I and I knew some cards would have a lot to say. I didn't want to be under pressure to get through any card any quicker than I wanted to. Don wouldn't put that pressure on me, it would have been self-inflicted. I decided to watch him read that first card and then I would get my hands on it allowing me all the time I needed. This turned out to be the best for us because he did get through them faster than I did. After that first card he was able to grab handfuls of cards at a time.
Once we got started it was such a wonderful experience. We cried a lot but after about the first twenty cards I started laughing. I confessed to Don that I thought I was quite clever in being second to read the cards. He had to break the ice with each card and I would assess his reactions and know that the blue card had something funny or the green card would make me cry even harder. It was like sending the first person into a swimming pool and having that person tell you whether the pool water was cold or just right. He just shook his head, smiled and kept on going. As expected, it took me a little while longer than Don to get through all the cards. Don did other things until I filed the very last card for the second time. When he came back to the kitchen the first thing he said to me was, "I am SO GLAD we WAITED to do this!" I wholeheartedly agreed.
It's pretty much understood that we all grieve differently. Each of us have different needs as we cope with the loss of a loved one. For us, waiting all that time to read the cards was such a blessing. We had gone through the lowest of low that we could feel. When we were there we were on auto pilot. We received hundreds of people at our house for over four weeks. We visited and exchanged hugs, warm thoughts and cherished memories. I can recall so much of what we experienced without any difficulty. At that time I needed the physical contact and emotional support. I will never be able to thank everyone sufficiently for all that was done for me and my family.
Brian died in October and by the end of November the visits became shorter and longer in between. We knew alone time was coming we just didn't know when we would get that. God knew and in His time we were given that alone time. We needed that alone time to search within ourselves for that strength we get from that One on One time with God and with each member of this household. That got us through the end of December. By January we were adjusting to the four of us being at home and we were discovering how to experience happiness and not feel guilty about it. Mission accomplished.
By February God knew in His infinite wisdom that we would be ready for the love and hugs that each sympathy card gave us. Because we waited, we were able to appreciate what each card said. The cards we tried to read in the first days after Brian's death had so much more meaning to us this time. We were able to TRULY enjoy the memories of Brian that others shared with us in those cards. We are so humbled by the unselfish love and support that's been bestowed upon us. We loved and needed those cards. Where are those cards now? They are in their box in the living room. Will we throw them away? No. The time isn't right yet. Love and hugs to you, dear readers.
This is a little embarrassing but I have to confess that we didn't read all the sympathy cards when we received them. I know that surprises some people and I hope that doesn't anger or hurt anyone. We tried to read a few when they first started arriving but we were in such pain and shock that we couldn't. So when we received a card we'd file them unopened in a box. They were alphabetized by last name of the sender (a personal compulsion) and for months Don and I would look at the box and avoid peaking inside. For weeks Don and I would say to each other that we were going sit down and read all those sympathy cards but we didn't. For whatever reason, we just couldn't.
We thought we were ready in January. We moved the box to the kitchen and sat it on floor next to my chair. We thought we'd read them over lunch. I'd look at the box frequently as I made soup. I knew the box wouldn't move but I just couldn't keep from watching it. I thought about what was in that precious box but the closer I got to getting lunch prepared the more I dreaded having to sit and eat it. I told Don I just couldn't open that box. He was thinking the same thing. We moved the box back to the living room and then ate lunch. The time wasn't right yet.
February rolled around and we both discussed the fact that we really needed to get to the sympathy cards. It felt safer now that we'd gotten our joy back. I knew that no matter how those cards would make us feel that we could still find a way to smile and laugh when it was over. In the first week of February we decided it was the right time to read the cards. We didn't want to do it over a meal. We thought it would be better to face those cards directly without any distractions. I got the box and carefully placed the box in the center of the kitchen table. We stared at it for a few minutes. Don was the brave one. He was the first to reach in the box. He pulled out one card, stared at it for only a second, took a deep breath, opened the envelope and the task at hand was officially underway.
I'd never thought about how we would really do this. I thought about sitting side by side and reading them together. He's a faster reader than I and I knew some cards would have a lot to say. I didn't want to be under pressure to get through any card any quicker than I wanted to. Don wouldn't put that pressure on me, it would have been self-inflicted. I decided to watch him read that first card and then I would get my hands on it allowing me all the time I needed. This turned out to be the best for us because he did get through them faster than I did. After that first card he was able to grab handfuls of cards at a time.
Once we got started it was such a wonderful experience. We cried a lot but after about the first twenty cards I started laughing. I confessed to Don that I thought I was quite clever in being second to read the cards. He had to break the ice with each card and I would assess his reactions and know that the blue card had something funny or the green card would make me cry even harder. It was like sending the first person into a swimming pool and having that person tell you whether the pool water was cold or just right. He just shook his head, smiled and kept on going. As expected, it took me a little while longer than Don to get through all the cards. Don did other things until I filed the very last card for the second time. When he came back to the kitchen the first thing he said to me was, "I am SO GLAD we WAITED to do this!" I wholeheartedly agreed.
It's pretty much understood that we all grieve differently. Each of us have different needs as we cope with the loss of a loved one. For us, waiting all that time to read the cards was such a blessing. We had gone through the lowest of low that we could feel. When we were there we were on auto pilot. We received hundreds of people at our house for over four weeks. We visited and exchanged hugs, warm thoughts and cherished memories. I can recall so much of what we experienced without any difficulty. At that time I needed the physical contact and emotional support. I will never be able to thank everyone sufficiently for all that was done for me and my family.
Brian died in October and by the end of November the visits became shorter and longer in between. We knew alone time was coming we just didn't know when we would get that. God knew and in His time we were given that alone time. We needed that alone time to search within ourselves for that strength we get from that One on One time with God and with each member of this household. That got us through the end of December. By January we were adjusting to the four of us being at home and we were discovering how to experience happiness and not feel guilty about it. Mission accomplished.
By February God knew in His infinite wisdom that we would be ready for the love and hugs that each sympathy card gave us. Because we waited, we were able to appreciate what each card said. The cards we tried to read in the first days after Brian's death had so much more meaning to us this time. We were able to TRULY enjoy the memories of Brian that others shared with us in those cards. We are so humbled by the unselfish love and support that's been bestowed upon us. We loved and needed those cards. Where are those cards now? They are in their box in the living room. Will we throw them away? No. The time isn't right yet. Love and hugs to you, dear readers.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Retreat Lesson 5 - God created HUMOR too!
After Brian died I lost my joy. There were times when it was difficult to even crack a smile for many many weeks unless we were talking about something funny that Brian did. To be honest, I found myself feeling a little guilty for a very long time for even enjoying small moments. Somewhere in January, Don and I found joy again. I really don't know if our joy was truly lost or if we just wouldn't allow ourselves to feel it. Either way, we are experiencing happiness once again and we are appreciating it. We have started looking for the humor in situations and it's nice to do that again. I love to laugh! I love to have fun. I am so thankful for Don's sense of humor.
I got to thinking about the importance of humor. I value it highly but I know people who don't. Can't quite figure that out. Is happiness a choice? Sometimes I think it is. This retreat lesson was meant to help those who have difficulty finding humor in daily life. I feel sorry for people who don't laugh very much. I think laughter is a gift. If any of you readers are humor-impaired my hope for you is that you learn to laugh much more often. If you can't or don't want to laugh I hope you at least find more things to smile about. Happiness, hugs and good humor to you all.
GOD CREATED HUMOR TOO!
Have you ever heard anyone ask, "Why would I want to be a Christian and stop having fun?" That was a real slap in the face when I heard that very question uttered to me and my friends in high school. I heard it again when I was in college. Why would anyone think Christians can't, don't or won't have fun? Is it because we give that impression? It's possible.
Being a Christian doesn't mean you've given up your sense of humor. There are many Christians who know how to laugh at themselves and at the world around them. There are Christian Comedians, for Heaven's sake! There are even humorous things to be found in the Bible. Proverbs is full of advice, common sense and quips of wisdom. If you get the chance try looking for humor in things you read. For example, in Proverbs 27: 15 it says, "A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike." I get the impression that the sound of dripping and a contentious woman really got on the author's nerves. I find that funny. I want you to understand that grief, sadness, loneliness and the need for advice aren't the only reasons to seek God's word. We can use His word even when we are happy and feeling good.
Becoming a Christian doesn't mean you have to give up fun and laughter. If it did, we wouldn't have Children's Moments at Church. No one would joke around in Sunday School classes. The preacher wouldn't be allowed to share funny stories if we weren't supposed to enjoy our fellowship together. Laughter is good for the soul. If it wasn't good for our souls there wouldn't be so many references to having a joyful heart in the Bible.
Finding humor in unpleasant situations is a helpful coping mechanism. Humor is a gift. Humor has great and positive impacts on healing from injury and disease. Humor can help you endure or survive any situation that comes your way. Stop and think of the last time you got mad at a family member when you could have laughed at the calamity of the moment. Would changing your perspective from anger to humor have prevented hurtful words from being exchanged? It's possible.
The bone in the upper arm is called the humerus. No matter how corny this may sound I find it interesting that when we comfort people we often put our arms around them. It makes them and us feel better. Humor has the same effect. The next time you put your arm around someone, consider sharing your humor, if it's appropriate, as well as your humerus when offering your love and support.
Think about what's you've read so far and consider this challenge. When you go home, try humor instead of anger when dealing with your toddler, your teenager, your spouse, your loved ones (that includes your in-laws!), your roommates and your pets. LIGHTEN UP if you are an intense person. You'll be amazed at what it does to improve your relationships and what it does for your attitude and outlook on life.
Take a minute or two to reflect on the advantages of humor and pray for a joyful heart.
"These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full." - John 15:11.
"And the disciples were filled with joy, and with the Holy Spirit." - Acts 13:52
I got to thinking about the importance of humor. I value it highly but I know people who don't. Can't quite figure that out. Is happiness a choice? Sometimes I think it is. This retreat lesson was meant to help those who have difficulty finding humor in daily life. I feel sorry for people who don't laugh very much. I think laughter is a gift. If any of you readers are humor-impaired my hope for you is that you learn to laugh much more often. If you can't or don't want to laugh I hope you at least find more things to smile about. Happiness, hugs and good humor to you all.
GOD CREATED HUMOR TOO!
Have you ever heard anyone ask, "Why would I want to be a Christian and stop having fun?" That was a real slap in the face when I heard that very question uttered to me and my friends in high school. I heard it again when I was in college. Why would anyone think Christians can't, don't or won't have fun? Is it because we give that impression? It's possible.
Being a Christian doesn't mean you've given up your sense of humor. There are many Christians who know how to laugh at themselves and at the world around them. There are Christian Comedians, for Heaven's sake! There are even humorous things to be found in the Bible. Proverbs is full of advice, common sense and quips of wisdom. If you get the chance try looking for humor in things you read. For example, in Proverbs 27: 15 it says, "A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike." I get the impression that the sound of dripping and a contentious woman really got on the author's nerves. I find that funny. I want you to understand that grief, sadness, loneliness and the need for advice aren't the only reasons to seek God's word. We can use His word even when we are happy and feeling good.
Becoming a Christian doesn't mean you have to give up fun and laughter. If it did, we wouldn't have Children's Moments at Church. No one would joke around in Sunday School classes. The preacher wouldn't be allowed to share funny stories if we weren't supposed to enjoy our fellowship together. Laughter is good for the soul. If it wasn't good for our souls there wouldn't be so many references to having a joyful heart in the Bible.
Finding humor in unpleasant situations is a helpful coping mechanism. Humor is a gift. Humor has great and positive impacts on healing from injury and disease. Humor can help you endure or survive any situation that comes your way. Stop and think of the last time you got mad at a family member when you could have laughed at the calamity of the moment. Would changing your perspective from anger to humor have prevented hurtful words from being exchanged? It's possible.
The bone in the upper arm is called the humerus. No matter how corny this may sound I find it interesting that when we comfort people we often put our arms around them. It makes them and us feel better. Humor has the same effect. The next time you put your arm around someone, consider sharing your humor, if it's appropriate, as well as your humerus when offering your love and support.
Think about what's you've read so far and consider this challenge. When you go home, try humor instead of anger when dealing with your toddler, your teenager, your spouse, your loved ones (that includes your in-laws!), your roommates and your pets. LIGHTEN UP if you are an intense person. You'll be amazed at what it does to improve your relationships and what it does for your attitude and outlook on life.
Take a minute or two to reflect on the advantages of humor and pray for a joyful heart.
"These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full." - John 15:11.
"And the disciples were filled with joy, and with the Holy Spirit." - Acts 13:52
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