It's not personal. It's just the way it is.

When I was 16 a very close friend was killed in a car accident. It hurt so bad to lose her and I couldn't imagine what her parents were feeling. I now know what they went through. I visited her parents a few times after her death but I was consumed with my own grief and got distracted by high school activities and I quit visiting them. I know now that I should have continued the visits. Am I a bad person? I don't think so. I just didn't know how to deal with it. We've noticed that we have experienced the loss of contact with some of our friends. I have my own perspective on that and want to share it with you. I hope it will help the hearts of others dealing with the same thing.

When Brian died we were given advice by our pastor and funeral director to not take any attempts at offering support in a bad way. Fortunately for us there were very few things said that were hurtful. I did experience a few conversations that were painful but I chose to believe that these "comforters" just didn't understand what they were saying. It's funny how people mean to be supportive but end up saying inappropriate or cruel things. I learned quickly that in life, in death and when grieving for lost loved ones that ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING. My attitude is that all comforters mean well. I would suggest to you that when/if you lose a loved one in the future that you adopt this attitude. It will make your healing process much less complicated.

I was talking to a friend yesterday that I hadn't seen in a long time. She asked me if I'd heard from a mutual friend. I hadn't. This mutual friend had a son Brian's age. She asked me about another mutual friend with a daughter that was Brian's age and I hadn't heard from her either. By the time she'd asked about two other friends she saw a pattern and I realized she was getting irritated. She got on a rant about how people should be more supportive and make themselves available and she actually said she felt sorry for me and started to apologize for our mutual friends. I told her it wasn't necessary to apologize and I told her not to be angry because it's not personal.

Here's my take on the lack of contact with some of my friends who have kids the same age as Brian.

I've noticed that most of our friends are people we've met through our kids. Take a look at who you spend a lot of your time with. Think about how you met them and why you continue to spend time with them. As I take inventory of our friends I realize that the common denominator in most of our friendships are our boys. We've had friends come in and out of our lives and that mostly had to do with what athletic, scouting, church and youth activities we were participating in at the time. Some of the people we've met through our kids are life long friends that we socialize with. We get together, go out to dinner, play games, watch movies and do other things whether or not our kids are around. We've built a bond outside of our kids' activities and that doesn't happen with everyone we know. It's not personal. It's just the way it is.

Now that Brian is gone from our physical life we've lost that common denominator with parents of kids his age. We don't have the games to go to or other extracurricular events that used to draw us together. This could and would have happened whether or not Brian had passed away. It's not personal. It's just the way it is.

There are adult friends who haven't spoken to us since Brian died. There are friends of Brian's who also haven't spoken to us since he died. It's not that they don't care about us and our family. I know in my heart that they still care a great deal. They just don't know what to say. We are a reminder that no one's child is guaranteed another tomorrow. It's too uncomfortable to deal with. Our situation makes them sad. It's just easier NOT to be around us.

Should we be angry or hold a grudge? Absolutely NOT! We need time to heal and it only makes sense that those who avoid us need healing time too. The path to healing is unique to every individual. Some people need company and some people need to be alone. Some people need to avoid the pain for a period of time and when they are ready to deal with the pain they will face it. I choose to believe that when our friends are in a better place in dealing with Brian's death they'll be able to talk to us again. It's not personal. It's just the way it is.

The flip side to this is that there are people who weren't close to us before Brian passed away but they are now. We've got new friends in our lives, some adult, some teenagers, that I KNOW God brought to us because we need them. Some will be life long friends. Others will be here as long as God believes we need them and they will move on to others who need them when the time is right. I think it's all part of the process of healing and changing according to God's will.

I like to think of our friends as little hugs from God. He has blessed us with numerous friends and we've discussed how fortunate we are to have them all in our lives. We don't need anyone to feel sorry for us. We don't need anyone getting angry with others for not being around. We know that God has provided the people we need in our lives. He did that before Brian passed and He will continue to do that as we continue on our journey through life. So, thank you dear friends, for letting God wrap His arms around us and hold us through good times, bad times and times in between. I wish you, dear readers, many hugs throughout your lives.