Sympathy Cards

There are a lot of things we haven't done since Brian died that we really need to do. We haven't finished writing thank you cards. We haven't cleaned up his room. We haven't cleaned out his closet. We haven't sold his truck. We still have his dorm fridge in the garage. Brian lived in a suite at college and he had kitchen ware. His dishes and flatware are still neatly packed in a box. I just can't part with those things yet. I know when the time is right, we'll let things go. The time isn't right yet.

This is a little embarrassing but I have to confess that we didn't read all the sympathy cards when we received them. I know that surprises some people and I hope that doesn't anger or hurt anyone. We tried to read a few when they first started arriving but we were in such pain and shock that we couldn't. So when we received a card we'd file them unopened in a box. They were alphabetized by last name of the sender (a personal compulsion) and for months Don and I would look at the box and avoid peaking inside. For weeks Don and I would say to each other that we were going sit down and read all those sympathy cards but we didn't. For whatever reason, we just couldn't.

We thought we were ready in January. We moved the box to the kitchen and sat it on floor next to my chair. We thought we'd read them over lunch. I'd look at the box frequently as I made soup. I knew the box wouldn't move but I just couldn't keep from watching it. I thought about what was in that precious box but the closer I got to getting lunch prepared the more I dreaded having to sit and eat it. I told Don I just couldn't open that box. He was thinking the same thing. We moved the box back to the living room and then ate lunch. The time wasn't right yet.

February rolled around and we both discussed the fact that we really needed to get to the sympathy cards. It felt safer now that we'd gotten our joy back. I knew that no matter how those cards would make us feel that we could still find a way to smile and laugh when it was over. In the first week of February we decided it was the right time to read the cards. We didn't want to do it over a meal. We thought it would be better to face those cards directly without any distractions. I got the box and carefully placed the box in the center of the kitchen table. We stared at it for a few minutes. Don was the brave one. He was the first to reach in the box. He pulled out one card, stared at it for only a second, took a deep breath, opened the envelope and the task at hand was officially underway.

I'd never thought about how we would really do this. I thought about sitting side by side and reading them together. He's a faster reader than I and I knew some cards would have a lot to say. I didn't want to be under pressure to get through any card any quicker than I wanted to. Don wouldn't put that pressure on me, it would have been self-inflicted. I decided to watch him read that first card and then I would get my hands on it allowing me all the time I needed. This turned out to be the best for us because he did get through them faster than I did. After that first card he was able to grab handfuls of cards at a time.

Once we got started it was such a wonderful experience. We cried a lot but after about the first twenty cards I started laughing. I confessed to Don that I thought I was quite clever in being second to read the cards. He had to break the ice with each card and I would assess his reactions and know that the blue card had something funny or the green card would make me cry even harder. It was like sending the first person into a swimming pool and having that person tell you whether the pool water was cold or just right. He just shook his head, smiled and kept on going. As expected, it took me a little while longer than Don to get through all the cards. Don did other things until I filed the very last card for the second time. When he came back to the kitchen the first thing he said to me was, "I am SO GLAD we WAITED to do this!" I wholeheartedly agreed.

It's pretty much understood that we all grieve differently. Each of us have different needs as we cope with the loss of a loved one. For us, waiting all that time to read the cards was such a blessing. We had gone through the lowest of low that we could feel. When we were there we were on auto pilot. We received hundreds of people at our house for over four weeks. We visited and exchanged hugs, warm thoughts and cherished memories. I can recall so much of what we experienced without any difficulty. At that time I needed the physical contact and emotional support. I will never be able to thank everyone sufficiently for all that was done for me and my family.

Brian died in October and by the end of November the visits became shorter and longer in between. We knew alone time was coming we just didn't know when we would get that. God knew and in His time we were given that alone time. We needed that alone time to search within ourselves for that strength we get from that One on One time with God and with each member of this household. That got us through the end of December. By January we were adjusting to the four of us being at home and we were discovering how to experience happiness and not feel guilty about it. Mission accomplished.

By February God knew in His infinite wisdom that we would be ready for the love and hugs that each sympathy card gave us. Because we waited, we were able to appreciate what each card said. The cards we tried to read in the first days after Brian's death had so much more meaning to us this time. We were able to TRULY enjoy the memories of Brian that others shared with us in those cards. We are so humbled by the unselfish love and support that's been bestowed upon us. We loved and needed those cards. Where are those cards now? They are in their box in the living room. Will we throw them away? No. The time isn't right yet. Love and hugs to you, dear readers.